Time in a bottle

Posted on 16 Oct 2023 @ 1:48pm by Lieutenant Lamia ‘Mia’ Kildare & 2nd Lieutenant Cassandra Mathews

3,013 words; about a 15 minute read

Mission: General Sim Postings
Location: Back on the Tomcat
Timeline: Following the mission

ON:



Cassandra Mathews sat in the comfortable chair feeling anything but comfortable. She fidgited and shifted and tried to anticipate just what might be coming. Mandatory counseling
She'd known that she was required to do it. After the incident in engineering resulting in the killing of Rhys Antako and her and her brothers own year long kidnapping, torture and near death experience at the hands of that monster. She knew she needed to face that. Had to come to terms with all that had happened to her. Including giving birth to that monsters child. A child she both loved and feared. Add in the fact that she had learned that her brother whom she'd just recently learned was alive was now ina coma in medical fighting for his life again. Not to mention poor Jareel. Cassandra felt numb as the little eat in her mind reeled through all the misery she's been able to push aside during the mission. She wasn't sure what she was ready to talk about. Where even to being. She shifted again. Unable to escape the discomfort as it was a manifitation of her mental state not her physical one.

Lamia smiled warmly as she walked into her office to see, and feel the emotion that Cassandra was trying to fight. “Hi Cassandra, you can relax I’m not here to make you feel uncomfortable, or to force you to talk about anything. I’m here to listen to what you feel you need to talk about.”

Lamia motioned to the choice of chilled water or juice that was on the coffee table. “If you need a drink, feel free or you can use the replicator.” She took a seat. “Take your time, start when you’re ready.”

Cassandra let out a breath and a nervous laugh. "That's the trouble though is I don't know what to say, or where to start." She sighed and sat back heavily in her chair her blue eyes seemed distant as she tried to sort out that very question. She started with her more present problem. "I'm afraid for my brother C'Tirr. He is in a coma. I'm also trying to still come to terms with the death of my friend Jarel. Well I don't know if we were friends persay but we saved each other's lives recently in engineering. I ... I barely knew him really. But I was looking forward to knowing him but he's gone now..." Her voice trailed off though she didn't sound like she was in pain those blue eyes betrayed her, shimmering slightly with tears held at bay. "I thought that I had lost my brother once already and the death of Jarel and C'Tirr being injured I'm so afraid to lose him again. He's the only family that I have left besides Martha and the Marines." She swallowed and the tears vanished as if they might never had been.

Lamia nodded, she didn’t need to see the tears she could feel the emotion bubbling away beneath the surface. “First of all don’t be afraid to let your emotions show, it’s just the two of us here and what is said, or what is shown here is just between us. Don’t bottle up what you feel, you’d be surprised how much better you’ll feel. As for C’Tirr you said you’re afraid to lose him again? I take it you almost lost him once before?”

Cassandra nodded. "Yeah, about two years ago my foster mom and dad died. It was right after I came here. I was the MXO at the time. It feels like a lifetime ago. When we got to Cait, after we observed the burial rituals and had returned to our parents house we got ambushed by a man called Rhy Antako. He was a serial killer my brother had been tasked with tracking down. He had a thing about going after the officers who got tasked with finding him. He'd killed our mom and dad to lure C'Tirr there and he ended up trapping and kidnapping us both." Her voice was steady but her arms had crossed protectively over her chest. A self soothing gesture. He held us for months on a ship he'd hidden on Cait. He played games... No... Not games really not as we see games. He tortured us..." She let out a shaking sigh. "One day we managed a opportunity to escape. One of his games... C'Tirr was shot... I thought he was dead." There was tears now and a deep rooted pain and guilt. " He'd told me to run, to run and not stop,
so..I ran, I didn't know what else to do. I .. I left him behind. He was still alive and I... I left him behind like a coward." Her voice broke at the recounting. At the reflection for the first time that he'd in fact been alive and in danger, injured and helpless and even though she'd had no way of knowing that at the time, she'd left him behind. Against all her marine training. She'd ran from the monster that was hunting them. She covered her face a moment vainly trying to wipe away the tears. The pain. The guilt. "He'd been shot in the head a..umm. glancing blow. It caused swelling to the brain and he was in a coma much like now. Nobody knew who he was so he was cared for under an assumed name by a wilderness healer who'd found him. When he'd woke up he had amnesia. He spent months trying to learn who he was and I spent months in lock up and medical facilities thinking my family was dead
Knowing that I was pregnant with that monsters child. I knew that I could not raise her. I knew that Rhys would be looking for me and that if he found her... If.." there was true horror at the thought at the recall of the crime photos of what Rhys enjoyed doing to helpless children. She swallowed hard. Then got up and helped herself too some water as though trying to wash the very taste of the fear away. It was nearly tangible, hot like a smoothering blanket. "I knew that I would have to let her go. For her sake. So I...I lost her too." There was a different kind of pain and regret in her voice now. Tinged with a small bit of pride. "I at least managed to keep her safe. But C'Tirr he.. he got his memory back and only just in time to put together where Rhys would go to wait for me. Here. He came here like a trap spider knowing Sommers would bring me back here once she knew what was going on. He began to hunt again. I didn't give him the chance to kill again. Not here. The Tomcat is the only home I have anymore. I know I should feel regret, he was my daughters father after all. But I feel nothing not even pride in the fact that I killed him. He was going to kill me though. Not right away. He knew I'd have trouble convincing others to believe me about what he was. That without proof that I would be spitting into the wind so to speak. He wanted to play one last game and he finally lost.". She finished her water and looked at the counsellor. "If it wasn't for Jarel I would have been dead. That man he.. he clonked Rhys over the head with a hydrospanner.". She giggled a little at the memory, " I swear I will never forget the look on Rhys face." She poured another glass of water and sipped it slowly relishing the memory even. But the tryumph passed leaving that now familiar ache she'd been growing accustomed to. "C'Tirr he showed up while I was in the medical bay. We had a week together as I recovered before we got deployed on the mission. Just a week. But I was just so happy to have my brother back. Now.. now he's fighting for his life again."

Lamia had sat taking in every word and feeling every emotion. “I can empathise with you where being kept captive is concerned, myself and several crew were taken prisoner during a mission. I had a daughter, though she didn’t survive.” She paused. “I don’t blame you for doing what you did, you did what you felt you had to do. As for C’Tirr be there for him, sit with him, talk to him, spend all the time you can with him, you’d be surprised what good will come from it. He will still hear you, let him know you’re there.” She offered a comforting smile. “As for what happened to you, it wasn’t your fault, a lot of victims blame themselves. What happened to both of you was terrible, and we will talk about it more when you feel able.”

Cassandra listened. Her heart aches to hear of the counsellor’s loss. To know that she had also known the terror of captivity and likely torture. Nobody deserved such a thing. Not even Rhy had. Jail certainly, but not torture. Cassandra couldn't imagine how terrible the pain was to actually lose a child in death. In time especially now with Rhys gone Cassandra could return to her child and see her, and know her. She recalled the overwhelming fear that had driven her to send her daughter away to live with Jane and Wolfgar to be raised as a twin to their new born son. It had ripped her heart out to let her go. But she was safe and alive... Not knowing what to say about that she replied to the later statement. "Actually it was my fault. I tried to seduce him in a bid to free my brother. I put myself in the situation that lead to my daughter being conceived. The problem was that he knew all along and played me as I tried to play him. Everything was a game where Rhys was considered and he always played to win.". She took a deep breath and let it out in a deep sigh. "It wasn't a game that I had any experience with. I'm not surprised that I wasn't any good at it. He could probably see my contempt for him in my eyes. Or how sick I felt any time he touched me. But it bought my brother time. My acceptance to play the game got us food and water and saved my brother from physical pain. Though I can not imagine how he must have felt seeing me pander to that assassin. We never spoke of it. Not do I think we ever will." Her voice was hushed and deep with grief. " I miss him, I miss my brother. I wish I had gone back for him and stayed by his side. I never should have left him there. C'Tirr he claims that my running away drew Rhys away from him. Because I was the more interesting quarry and he likely thought C'Tirr was dead like I had. But I think my brother was just trying to comfort me in my guilt and my shame."

Lamia nodded. “That’s what family do, protect and comfort one another in times of need. When your brother recovers, and you need to have faith that he will, the two of you need to talk about what’s happened. I can offer you a safe place to talk, and be there for both of you when you do, right now though you’re telling me which is good.”

Cassandra nodded. She was a little proud of herself. That she indeed was able to talk openly about it. Jane and Kai her original counselors sent to remove her from the mental hospital had told her that in time it would be easier. That in time she would feel safe to share her pain and to heal. Perhaps it was because Rhys was dead. Purely and surely dead. So she couldn't get any safer than that. Or maybe it was being back with her unit. Fighting together and the feeling of comradely that was in being in such a tight knit family. Or perhaps it was knowing that her brother though injured again was alive. That they still had each other and she would not have to raise her daughter the way her father had been forced to raise her before his own death. Or a combination of all that. She was just glad to not be afraid to speak anymore. It brought her to the last subject.

"My daughter will be at starbase 5 when we return. Jane wants me to take charge of her for awhile." She paused trying to word her question. "I don't remember my mother. I barely remember my father. I'm sure human upbringing is different from the Caption one I was raised by... I don't think I know how to be a good human one. I was hoping that there were some classes or training courses that I might do to help me prepare. She's almost a year old now.. Jane says she toddles around alot but still mostly crawling and likes to play with her food." Cassandra asked. She had to admit she was scared of the idea of being left alone with her. Jane sent pictures after Rhys death. Now that it was safe. And the child wouldn't be hunted. She looked like him. Though she had to admit she saw alot of herself in those happy blue eyes and the smile... The smile reminded her of her own father. It frightened her. But also melted her heart at the same time.

Lamia smiled. “Maybe it would benefit you to try volunteering with the children on the Starbase? To be honest I’m not up-to-date on whether there’s an actual nursery and school but it wouldn’t be hard to find out. If you’re struggling to cope I’d be happy to help, as would others no doubt, but might I suggest you just be yourself. She’s your daughter, let your mothering instincts take over, you’d be surprised how much it’ll help.”

"I don't think I have any. I was raised by my father since I could remember as a little soldier. After he died I closed myself off from most everyone but C'Tirr. His mother was always trying to coddle me and I just didn't know how to accept it. I was use to tough love. The whole, 'The enemy doesn't care if you're sleepy or scared or hurt. Suck it up and keep going you will find no pity here. Pity will get you killed girl. So stop crying and get marching.'" she said, mimicking her father's deep harsh tones. He'd wanted her to be strong. Yet when he died she hadn't been very strong at all. There had been seemingly endless tears and a pain so deep she thought she'd be lost forever in it. She'd grown resentment for her foster parents sure that they would abandon her. As a child she never understood how hard they fought to keep her. If she had perhaps she might have been kinder and more open to their love and compassion. But she had been too afraid to see past the walls she'd built up to protect herself. "I will definitely put in for a sit in and to do something in the way of volunteer work should they have a facility on the station. Any experience is better than nothing."

Lamia nodded. “You’d be surprised, you may just find that you do have some mothering instincts. Once you get to spend time with your daughter you’ll soon find out, but as I said don’t feel you have to struggle alone. If you need any help feel free to call.”

"Thank you. It's been great talking about this. I feel more prepared. More at ease." There was more to be discussed but Cassandra didn't feel entirely ready for it yet. About the night terrors and paranoia. Still she was confident that those would resolve themselves in due course just as soon as everything else settled down. Nightmares were always expected after deployment. Especially this last one. The faces of the enemy. The faces of the dead. The what ifs and so forth that in the time of action could not be afforded. That found their purchase in the calm here after. They were already starting. Images of dark monsters stalking her team in a deserted station killing them off one by one until she was alone... Alone to see the dead bodies that had been torn to pieces. No... No. That didn't happen and she knew this and this had control to brush them away like cob webs when she'd wake in the night. .. those she'd keep to herself. For now. If they persisted then she'd talk about it. Instead she got up and offered the counselor her hand. "Well thank you for your time and your help. I appreciate it. I better get back to my unit. Until next time."

Lamia smiled as she took Cassandra’s hand. “It’s been nice talking to you, if you need it I’ve sent through a prescription for some sleep aids for you. They’re just mild, they won’t make you drowsy, it might help give you a restful sleep with all this on your mind.” She gently let go of Cassandra’s hand as she walked her to the door.

"Thank you." Cassandra said as she headed out. "Same time next week." She disappeared with a wave down the hallway.

[OFF]

 

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