Down In The Darkness

Posted on 20 Dec 2023 @ 2:48am by Lieutenant Leland Hawksley & 2nd Lieutenant Cassandra Mathews

2,942 words; about a 15 minute read

Mission: General Sim Postings
Location: Main Engineering / Outer Concourse Ring
Timeline: A day after the Tomcats return to sb51

[ON]

Cassandra sat at the juncture that had brought her to meet Jareel. She hadn't ment to come to this place. Yet here she was. All the damage was gone, erased. There was no blood or bodies. This place that had held so much violence and now awarded a gentle peace. It was here that Lt Haze had saved her life. It didn't seem like so very long ago. The scene refused to play in her mind. No. She didn't want to remember that. Just him. Those walks and talks down here while he worked and she followed. Listening to him talk about his girls and his wife with such love and excitement that it was nearly tangible. She didn't cry. Crying was beyond her at this point. She'd seen his girls. Been there when they received the terrible news that not only had they lost their mother to illness, but their father was now gone as well. Gone but not forgotten, because as Sommers said nothing is ever truely forgotten. This gave her heart peace even as it broke into a thousand pieces. She ran her fingers over the floor, kneeling down at the place where he had once fallen, nearly died protecting her. Trying to think of just what she was going to say at the funeral. She'd been asked to go. Asked to speak. But how does one describe the loss of a real life hero? How do you put into words the glory that they have done? Words seemed to fall so short in the measure of honor she felt at being his friend. Of knowing him even briefly. She only knew that she'd never be able to repay the debt she owed him for her life. The best she could hope to do was live in a way she hoped would make him proud, and of course watch over his daughters. The same way that the Kuuras family had looked after her when she'd lost everything. She'd done the paper work. She hoped Sommers would approve of her decision. A baby of her own and now two orphaned girls was going to be a big change in her life. Especially if C'Tirr was lost to her. She found herself sitting there on the floor of the juncture her back to the bulkhead lost in thought.

Hawksley was surprised. At the bulkhead of the junction entrance, A-01A, seated on the Engineering carpet, was 2nd Lieutenant Matthews.

A split second passed when the horror of finding out the scene that had played out in Engineering. The blood had taken several carpet cleaning cycles. Leland also had the area cleansed with white sage. The heaviness still forebodes where Lt. Haze's life was extinguished.

Hawksley paused as Cassandra still was seated on the floor. Leland could tell she was undergoing deep feelings. He felt the need to reach out. He didn’t say anything as he slowly eased himself down to the floor, his large hands holding on the floor as he then crossed his legs comfortably.

His face looked heavy, as he didn’t look Cassandra in the face yet. He wanted to feel her feelings. He wanted to support without a disturbance. The sound of the core in the background slowly cycles. There were minimal staff on as it was a night shift. Leland only happened to notice Cassandra when he entered some files on a PADD in his office.

He breathed inward slowly and closed his eyes, letting his lower abdomen take in the air, and then slowly released. Hawksley's brown eyes then focused on Matthews.

Her eyes glanced over for a second. Then back to the floor. She felt the weight of his eyes on her. She felt so lost. After a moment she found her voice. "I miss him. I, I wish so much that I could have been there to save him... The way he saved me." Cassandra said softly. "He's being sent back to Earth to be buried with his wife."

“I would like to be there at the funeral. It is the least I can do for Jareel.” Leland breathed inward once more, the heaviness he let himself feel now was beginning to overwhelm his usually firm senses quickly. He felt a burning behind his eyes as he blinked away, refusing to tear up that quickly. No, he couldn’t cry. It wasn’t really in his nature.

“Jareel. I don’t know what could have happened to Engineering, this ship, if it wasn’t for Jareel placing himself in harm's way. You were in harm's way as well. Thank you. Jareel may be lost. However, we can honor Jareel for the life he gave to save us all from harm.” Leland could only think of what it would be like to be a child, so innocent in this all, lost from any form of parents, security, or love.

“I want to be there for you and the kids,” Hawksley stated that. He knew he would have the backing of his Wife, Lilli would be supportive as well. They both would be parents soon. He had to care. Leland looked at Cassandra. They didn’t know each other that well, but he knew she was an excellent Marine and a recent mother. She had many traumas, and he needed to help; Hawksley felt it.

"I have no idea what I am doing." Cassandra confessed softly. "I know nothing about kids. When I was a kid I was hell on wheels. Angry with the universe and hungry for blood." She had been ripped from the life she'd known at her own father's death. Cast into a unfamiliar world where she was different and unfortunately the curious nature of those whom inhabited it made her feel all the more like an outcast. She'd felt insulted at having her differences pointed out and threatened by the fact that she couldn't fit in. She'd been afraid of being abandoned and left with strangers for being so different. Afraid they'd send her to Earth a place she'd only heard about from her father. At that time anything to do with him brought on rage. She had a feeling that Jareels girls being older 12 and 15 respectfully, and having gone through the grieving counseling during their mothers extended illness and death seemed to be handling things well as could be expected. So far they where calm, though prone to fits of crying and understandably so. They had talked to Cassandra about wanting to go to school back on Betazed. Which Cassandra wasn't exactly sure was the right move. But the idea seemed to make them happy. She wanted them to be happy. But she also didn't want them to feel abandoned like she had. It was so very confusing. "They want to go back to this school there mother had them in. On Betazed. I don't know if I should let them go or not. They seem to have their own plan. I just have not had time to look at the details yet. I guess if it's familiar and they can get the support that they need I really can't say no. But I worry about if they might need anything. I won't be there ya know. It seems... Wrong. That's why I came here. I keep wondering what he would have wanted to do. If they had a plan in place. He always talked about them coming to stay with him. So I don't know."

Hawksley listened. He was a good listener. It was hard, “I understand. Well. I think I understand. You are left picking up the pieces of Jareel's younger daughters and their futures. You don’t want to make a mistake.” Leland had mirrored what he felt Cass was saying.

“That is a huge burden for you. I can't imagine that.” He stated, pausing. He breathed in slow and deep. He then extended a hand to Cass. “Come, let's sit down in my office. I can make us some tea and talk about it.” He knew that Cassandra was brutally dealing with the choice.

As they entered the Engineering Office, Hawksley gestured for Matthews to have a seat. “Would you like a drink?” Leland asked. “Doesn’t have to be tea, you know.” He chuckled; in case she wanted something a bit harder.

Leland wanted to have this talk regarding Jareel. Leland didn’t seek out Cassandra earlier and now felt terrible about it. Cassandra needed support. At the very least, a talk.

"Tea is fine thank you. " She said taking the offered seat. She felt weary down to her bones. The mission seemed so far away now. "I might need to retire from the Marines. I keep thinking about how irresponsible it would be for me to continue to put myself into harms way knowing that I am responsible for three children now. I just... I don't know what else I would do with myself. I spent my whole adult life being in the Marines. Even as a toddler my own father raised me within his unit. Plus there's C'Tirr.. if he." She swallowed past the lump in her throat. "He might not recover. I might need to send him to a hospital for long term care. The doctor keeps suggesting it. I just. I keep hoping that he will come back to me. Then there's Martha." And Maybelle... Cassandra couldn't stop thinking about that poor girl from the mining station. How science had carried her off out of medical to God knew where. There was just so much going on. Her heart felt heavy. She felt so very much alone navigating all of it. She was use to being part of a team. Having people to rely on who had her back. That was work though. That was in her old life. This new feild she was playing on was so different. She gladly took the tea when it was ready. Glad for some distraction if even for the moment from her despair.

Leland returned from the replicator, setting down the old-fashioned porcelain-style cups on his desk. The tea was a calming winter blend that he was fond of. Cream and sugar were on the tray to add to Cass’s liking.

Taking him with cream and sweetener, Leland held the warm cup close to his nose, breathing in the different spices, almost like eggnog. He let his senses take in the warm moment as it opened his nostrils, the warmth.

“Leaving the Marines would be a big decision,” Hawksley stated, setting his tea aside after a sip. He leaned back in his chair and clasped his larger hands together regarding the notion.

“Marines have beneficial skill sets. You could probably be placed into any department you felt onboard the Tomcat if you ever chose a career change. Would you feel satisfied in another department?”

Cassandra shook her head. She dipped the tea lettings it's warth run through her. She considered his reasoning yet knew it was in vain. " I'll have to transfer to star base fifty one to stay with my brother. He.. he needs me. I abandoned him once thinking he was dead. I can't do that to him. I need to be by his side. I can take care of the girls there. Try to give them some stability. I just. I feel so out of my element. I'm so scared my brother is going to die. He has always been the gentle one out of the two of us. He'd be so proud of being a uncle. He'd know just what to..to do." She hadn't ment for her voice to crack. But thinking about how C'Tirr might never get to meet Martha broke her heart all over again. She sipped her tea some more welcoming the spicy warmth it provided.

Leland paused. He regarded the emotions that were being felt across from him. He thought for Cass. He hated to see someone in distress, not that it made him uncomfortable, but he thought he didn’t want to cross her boundaries.
“I can sense that this is weighing heavy on you.” Hawksley dispersed his somewhat jocular undertone with a softer, quieter ask. “Have you spoken to the ship’s counselor about this? Not that I am worried. You are strong. She might have some options for you to consider.” Hawksley’s eyes watched Cass concerned.

Cassandra nodded. "yes. I have." She replied softly. She was pretty sure she'd be speaking to her again soon as well. "Part of being strong is knowing when to ask for help. I think Falk told me that once."

“Good.” Leland nodded. He then took another sip of his tea. He then set it aside. “What do you say we go for a walk? A stroll around the Tomcat. I often walk and think things through it helps me?” Leland knew it had sounded corny. However, walking was an excellent way to stroll, and he would appreciate the time spent with a good friend like Matthews. He was already off shift.

“It might be a nicer venue than sitting in this stuffy office. The office that is due for retrofit, unfortunately.” He referred to the Tomcats docking and retrofit.

Cassandra nodded. "yes I think a walk would be excellent. Thank you." She got up and disposed of her own drink. He was right. Walking would give the illusion of getting somewhere. Of progress. A way to ease the mind if not the soul.

Walking down the near-empty hallway of the Tomcat, most of the crew were now transferring to the Space Dock. It was a unique situation to be in. The ship hummed quietly as they both chose to take the scenic route. Walking around the outer ring of the Tomcat’s saucer.

Outside the windows, station bees blinked, flashing their transits around the various births of Starships. More seemed interested in the Tomcat, as the Starship would be gutted in hours.

Hawksley stopped at one window section. Leland pointed. “There. The Bellerophon. I used to have a four-month stint on her back when I was an Ensign. A fine ship, crew. Terrible cook.” Hawksley lent his eyes to the older vessel.

There was a general Klaxon warning that the Tomcat was de-boarding. A general reminder was issued that the crew's various contents stored in their quarters would be transported to the space dock storage facility while the vessel was gutted down to the hull beams in each section.

Leland breathed outward, his eyes meeting Cassandras. “One moment in time, all to be erased. This carpet. These windows. Even the outer bulkheads, all will be recycled with new substrates.”

His comments about the Bellerophan made her smile. "Yes, time has a funny way of changing everything. Growing pains my foster father called it." She said looking at the ship in the distance. "Sometimes you have to destroy something to make it into something better. Time understands this that's why it's always breaking things down and moving everything forward. Always evolving and changing things. It's how the universe grows. This ship like us must periodically be undone in order to become stronger. It is the way of things."

Leland reflected on what Cassandra stated to him. “That was beautiful. What you just said.” He paused, taking in the comment and reflecting on his current situation of leaving behind the Engineering he was trained from scratch. The Tomcat, as he knew it, the one he became a part of this whole family. He felt everyone onboard was his family, sometimes more than his kin. This would change.

Changes had ways of shaking one's grounding. Leland tried to take what Cass had said and take it as growth. Just as the seasons change and the earth renews, we both will experience the renewal cycle. In its infinite wisdom, life allows us to learn from our past and be happy in our present. “Today has been a good day.” He turned to Cass and lent a soft smile. “It would be a shame for you to leave us. I do not want to see that change, so don’t think of it. We need you here on the Tomcat. The Tomcat is your place to be for a while yet.” He then shrugged.

“It just seems like it to me.”

Cassandra nodded, considering his kind words. He was right that today had indeed been a good day. Despite all of the worry and trials it was still good. She found it easier to smile. "Thank you. I appreciate it. I should be getting back to my unit. We have inventory. I am glad we had the opportunity to talk. You have given me a lot to think about."

Leland was happy to be there to talk to Cassandra. He knew she had been through a lot. It was only natural for Leland to lend a listening ear, despite his usual gruff exterior, he did care.

"Don't ever feel alone. I consider you one of my excellent friends. Friends stick up for each other." He stated that Cass was about to leave. "Don't be a stranger. We all need good friends in this world." Hawksley smiled. "Take care for now, Cass."

"Same to you Leland. Have fun upgrading the ship." Cassandra said with a wave as she disappeared into a lift.

[OFF]

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