Now That You Ask...

Posted on 11 Feb 2025 @ 11:21am by Lieutenant Lamia ‘Mia’ Kildare & Lieutenant Leland Hawksley

2,012 words; about a 10 minute read

Mission: General Sim Postings
Location: Star Base 54, Counselling Department

[ON]

Leland took the 40-minute walk from his and Lilli’s quarters to the other side of the Starbase to make his appointment with the Starbase Counsellor. He wanted to take the task and force himself physically. He held a metal cane as he walked and didn’t shuffle. He only tripped once on his way to the Counsellor. Leland’s pride was bruised when he fell into the busy concourse, full-grown men extending a hand to help him.

Leland felt like a senior. In their late 60s, his parents didn’t even use a cane or were close to needing one, yet he was sporting one.

This whole thing threw him for a psychological broadside.

How was he handling these feelings? The feeling of uselessness, the sense of his manhood being bruised, the explosion that happened, the terrorists who planned and executed it on his ship—well, at least Leland’s engineering! These all felt destabilizing, destroying his innocence of space flight and Starfleet as a peaceful entity.

Arriving at the station's counseling department, Hawksley was greeted by a whole office complex of board rooms, science labs, therapeutic professions, and the Chief Counselor. Hawksley had never been to a counselor before, except for his Starfleet standard psych evaluations.

Inside the Counsellor’s office stood Alicia Monroe, a half Betazoid, half El-Aurian woman. Having been requested by Lilli via Starfleet channels she smiled as she stepped out of the office to greet Leland. “Leland Hawksley?” She offered a warm smile. “I’m Alicia Monroe, please come on in.”

Leland breathed a sigh of relief. He was here to do this to unclog his brain, which was filled with synchronous thoughts of the stress of the explosion in the Tomcat's engine room and the anger he couldn’t release after the fact. His explosion was just a piece, but he tried.

Walking in slowly, Hawksley felt the environment wholly sterilized. This wasn’t like him; his essence belonged as a grease wrench. “Good morning, Counsellor Monroe,” Hawksley stated as he sat. Clasping his hands, he relaxed.

“Please feel free to call me Alicia” She smiled warmly. “Now from what I understand you’ve chosen to speak to me as your own ships Counsellor is unavailable and the only other Counsellor onboard is your wife.” She smiled. “That’s more than fair enough, so how are you feeling?”

Hawksley paused. He did not feel comfortable airing his questions and concerns about life. If his wife, Lilli, saw this, Leland would feel emasculated.

Leland relaxed into the room's conference seat. “To start…” He swallowed, cleared his throat, and then coughed a bit. He wanted a cigarette so bad. “Alicia. So. The fire, the smell of fellow crew mates becoming sliced apart due to multi-micron failures of station superstructure bits.” He shook his head. “The level of core failure of the vessel articulated just the right fracture and stressor points in the Starbase. “That effectively shut down Starbase operations, security readiness, checkpoints, and vessel shutdowns.

“So you feel responsible for what wasn’t your fault, and you’re struggling with what happened to your crewmates” Alicia smiled as she cut through all the technical jargon. “You can speak freely here Leland, you don’t have to hide what you feel. Nothing you say here will leave this room, unless you want to involve your wife.”

I don’t know what your work site is like, Doctor. But any engineering oversight can destroy countless people on my work site if not done right.” Hawksley walked around the room with his finger pointed to the floor. “These damn terrorists…”

“My Imzadi.” Leland felt almost naked speaking that word, as it was a word spoken between two only in one room alone. “My Wife. She is my blessing. She is my World.” Leland kissed the metal cross that laced across his neck.

"How is she doing? Can you speak to my love? I know she bears a lot for our relationship." Leland did not mean that as bad; he was overbearing. She was a young mother who was under strain. Carrying a baby in a Starfleet career is a lot. "Maybe she would like to talk as well?"

“Perhaps she would, and if Lilli decides to then I’ll be happy to listen.” Alicia smiled. “It’s obvious that you worry a great deal about Lilli. She keeps you strong and that’s what you need right now.”

"We are to have a baby soon! I shall keep a jolly jumper for him! I am excited, yas. Playing soccer, hockey, rugby... I will teach little one."

Alicia grinned at Leland’s enthusiasm. “It’s obvious you’re very excited and that’s good, it’s giving you what you need to aid your recovery. However, right now it must be very frustrating for you to not be able to do as much as you did before your accident?”

"It is frustrating. But I know it is nothing my wife has to compare with right now... I feel like a pussy for being here." Leland growled. He smacked his fist into his hand like a baseball and glove... "I'm tired of it taking up head space. I need that to focus on my wife, child, family, and the warp core of the USS Tomcat. You cant fuck that up!" He then shook his head, holding a hand upward... begging for forgiveness... "Pardon my French."

“It’s perfectly alright” Alicia smiled a wry smile. “You should hear me venting in private on a bad day! Trust me when I say that I understand, it is frustrating but not taking the time to talk about how you feel will only make things harder for you.

"Thank you. I am relieved." Leland sat there nonplussed, wondering as he stared off. "Cheers to that. I have not always been... Deep for an ear because of my job to Lilli. I feel this way. It is guilt. We have both worked hard to build ourselves a small..." he grinned. "Lil family."

“I’m sure Lilli understands that. As your wife, she’d want to be there as support for you.” Alicia paused. “Don’t tell anyone I said this, but you can still talk to Lilli about how you feel unofficially. Officially, it would be seen as a conflict of interest.”

Leland grinned a bit. “Now that it is forbidden… Sounds hot.” Hawksley had never thought that about his counselor wife, wondering if she ever needed to counsel him. They didn’t expect that, ever. Leland smiled, but he knew he would be ok. He just needed to find out if his direction…

“You see. The way I see it, a healthy body means a healthy mind. If I exercise, eat right, lay off some of the bourbon.” Hawksley gazed at Alicia with a nod.

“That’s a good idea, we don’t want you enjoying the bourbon too much, do we?” Alicia offered a smile. “There are going to be times that try you, times you feel like you want to hide in that bottle, but don’t.”

Leland understood where Alicia was coming from. He took in the counselor's caution. Leland was lucky to grow up with encouraging, responsible parents and siblings. But he did have his Frat days with old friends.

"I understand." Leland nodded.

“I thought you would” Alicia offered a polite smile. “There will be times you struggle, in those times let your wife be there for you, it’s what you both need.”

“I sometimes wish I could understand Lilli’s needs, Lilli’s wants.” He paused. “Scratch that.” He scratched at the side of his hair and crossed his forearms as he sat back in the counselor's chair.

“Sometimes I don’t think Lilli feels comfortable telling me her wants, her desires. What she truly wants from our relationship together is our marriage. I believe we are on solid footing. I deeply love her. Oh, man… She is the greatest…” Hawksley grinned at the thought of his wife, Lilli.

“But sometimes I am not sure what she expects. It isn't very clear, and I am a man. I am here to provide and offer support to my family wherever needed. Whatever is needed.” He posited.

Leland looked at the ceiling as he lay back and relaxed, releasing these stressful thoughts. It had been a while since he had spoken to any counselor.

“Maybe you should try expressing that to Lilli, she’s your soul mate that much is clear, I’m sure she’d understand.” Alicia offered a warm smile. “Communication in a marriage is highly important.”

Leland. An Engineer by logic and trade of thinking... He nodded. "I should be intimate with her. We have not been intimate for a little while now." Hawksley looked down at his hands. He missed their vigorous lovemaking. That was expressive to Leland. "But she is almost due. I wouldn't want to hurt her in any way, so these urges are not an issue."

“There’s Nothing wrong with lovemaking during pregnancy Leland” Alicia smiled. “Just take it gently, for both of you, and you’ll enjoy it more. Lovemaking is considered beneficial in some ways during pregnancy so you’re not going to hurt Lilli.”

Leland looked up at Alicia, his brow furrowing slightly as he processed her words. "I appreciate your reassurance, Alicia. I think part of me has been overly cautious, maybe even a bit anxious. It's just that Lilli means everything to me, and with her being so close to her due date, I worry about doing anything that might cause discomfort or stress for her."

Hawksley sighed, glancing at the floor. "I do miss the connection we have during those intimate times. It feels like an important part of our relationship, and it helps us bond, especially with so much changing in our lives right now. But I suppose I’ve been letting my fears dictate my actions."
He straightened in his seat, a hint of determination in his voice.

"If intimacy can be beneficial during this time, then perhaps I should approach it with a more open mindset. I want to support her, and I also want to nurture our relationship as we transition into parenthood. A gentle approach sounds reasonable, and I can certainly communicate with her about it. Thanks for helping me see that, Alicia."

Alicia nodded. “That’s what I’m here for, once your ship departs you’ll be able to contact me anytime you need to talk, so don’t worry about that. I’d also like to keep in touch with your ship’s Counsellor so that we can work together in helping you. That’s if you don’t mind?”

"I would appreciate that, Doctor." Leland agreed. "Lilli is my life. She has been by my side for... Everything. I can only repay our family with fierce guard and respect. Lilli has been the strongest support for me." He shook his head and looked at Alicia. "I want to drive Lilli into ecstasy. Its...." He looked a bit confused. "It's the only thing I feel I can give her, is my manhood, her pleasure. She deserves it more than you could know. Lilli is my everything." Hawksley explained his most profound thoughts to the Counsellor. "Lilli is steadfast. Lilli is loyal to me. I can't be the Engineer, and I am without her!"

Alicia smiled and nodded. "She's a lucky woman to have a man like you Leland, she knows how much she means to you. You don't have to prove anything to her, you do know that right?"

Hawksley nodded; however, he liked to show off to her. That was just Leland. Poor Lilly had to accept the gruff show he chuckled.

"I will allow myself out. Thank you, counselor. You have been quite helpful."

"My pleasure Leland, if you need to talk further please don't hesitate to contact me" Alicia smiled warmly.

[OFF]

Lieutenant Alicia Monroe (npc Kildare)
Counsellor

And

Lt. Leland Hawksley
CEO, USS Tomcat

 

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