Begin by a moment

Posted on 12 May 2020 @ 4:49am by Lieutenant Serina "Reaper" Donovan
Edited on on 13 May 2020 @ 12:43pm

2,222 words; about a 11 minute read

Mission: General Sim Postings
Location: Counseling offices
Timeline: A few days after the Ceremonies of Light posts

[ON]

Iria had done her counselling sessions on the starbase with the station's counsellor and now that she was clear for duty, she was starting with the other counselling sessions. She called Serina Donovan and waited patiently in her office.

Serina left the twins with John and her parents as she walked aimlessly towards Lt.j.g. Walon's office. She wasn't really in a mood to go discussing the past. But the suggestion was made clear that while it was not mandatory it was highly emphasized. So, at John's urging, she relented and went.

Hitting the counsellor's door chime and waited.

Iria looked up from the PaDD in her hand and set it down on her desk, "Come in." She called softly.

Serina walked in feeling somewhat uncomfortable about having to relive the memory. "I was....well it was made known that it would be to our benefit to come and see you.....," she said.

Iria gave Serina a light smile of greeting, "Make yourself at home," she nodded towards the chairs and couch leaving the choice to Serina on where she wanted to sit and be comfortable.

Choosing the couch, Serina sat and tried to get comfortable. "Lt. Walon I feel uncomfortable about discussing it. I know it was very traumatic for us but to bring it back into the light now is going to bring back the nightmares and flashbacks. I am scared to open up that can of worms again", she said next to tears.

Iria nodded, "We all suffered Serina, and I know it is difficult but I can promise you that talking about it will help in your healing and moving past it." Iria said gently, it had taken Iria a few sessions herself before she could discuss the ordeal with Remy without coming to tears. "Do you want something to drink or would you be happier if we go walk in the arboretum to talk?"

"I think maybe a walk in the arboretum might be a good idea. It might help me to relax a little as we walk", Serina said.

Iria nodded softly, "Alright let's take a walk and we'll see how it goes from there," she motioned for Serina to join her to walk out of the office and into the corridor. Iria had no problem with changing locations to help folks feel better about talking over difficult trama.

Serina followed Iria out into the corridor slowly. Her mind was somewhat detached from where it should have been. Serina's thoughts were back on that Orion station.

Iria lead the way to the Arboretum and she nodded towards the middle path, "They made a new small spring in the middle, and there are some new trees and flowers." Iria said quietly to see if it would help Serina feel any better about talking with her.

"They didn't they. Looks so lovely and peaceful here. Smells like sweet wildflowers from back home," Serina bent down selecting one and brought it to her nose. "Mmm....smells so sweet", she said.

Iria nodded gently, "Where did you grow up?" She asked lightly, as she watched Serina seemingly start to relax now that they were in the arboretum.

"I grew up on Miramar Airforce Base in California. My parents were stationed there and I would go out and sit on the tarmac and watch the fighters. I would sit for hours and watch them take off and land, and watch them doing their training manoeuvres. I would dream that one day I would be just like them. I loved to watch them fly and do all kinds of aerobatics and stuff. There was also a small field next to the base where there was a small stream like here. I would go there and watch the birds fly and glide on the air currents. I would pretend I was flying up there and just glide with them. One day though, I was laying in the field and suddenly I saw a bird just tumble from the sky. I thought it was shot or worse, so I ran and picked it up. It was indeed hurt and I saw some damage to its wing so I took it home. In the time it healed and I found I had gained a pet bird and called him "Ike". We had fun and I found myself studying his flight patterns", Serina said stopping suddenly.

Iria nodded softly, "Why did you stop, Serina? Did something happen to Ike?" She was impressed with how quickly Serina had opened up but the sudden silence had her concerned.

"Yeah, I grew up! School took me away from him and one day I came home to find out that he was dead. He had got caught in the intake of an old training fighter. I wasn't there to protect him. I felt like shit cause I wasn't there to save him", she said as some tears welled up in her eyes spilling onto her cheeks.

Iria nodded as she handed over a handkerchief, as she didn't know Serina well enough yet to offer a consoling hug as she cried, "If he was a wild bird there's no real way to say if you could have helped him all the time. Giving him his freedom while you were away at school was actually a kindness."

Shaking her head, "He wasn't wild, he was a pet, he had a cage and evidently somebody let him loose outside the aviary", Serina said. " The same could be said about my pilots. I try my most damn to protect them. I look after them like a mother hen. But when they snuck into my quarters, grabbing me and putting a neural paralyzing device on my head.......", she suddenly dropped in a heap on the grass, tears of anger flowed easily, "I couldn't even defend myself!! I couldn't move! I couldn't even scream", she cried.

"Your pilots in your group attacked you?" Iria asked, literally shocked by the very idea that Serina would be betrayed by her flight group like that, it didn't make any sense. "When did this happen did you report it to security?"

"No, no, you misunderstand," Serina said smiling. "The Orions that abducted us, not my pilots. Heavens no......I was in my quarters when the Orions abducted me," she said.

Iria shook her head softly, "You said, you mother your pilots like mother hen then they entered your quarters, so that made me think your pilots had attacked you." she nodded her head, "The Orions took us all, by surprise in a lot of ways, Serina," then she paused and added lightly but firmly, "Now we have improved our defences and I am sure they will not be trying such things against our ship again, not with the way the Fleet had come to back up the Tomcat."

"No I suppose not but it still stings Iria. To have been violated like that....to feel dirty..... it's like being raped. It just doesn't want to go away... I love my twins to death and hate leaving them with my parents but it is necessary in order for me to keep my career. I have a boyfriend and we have plans to get married but....after what happened...I thought he would leave", Serina said looking sadly at Iria.

Iria nodded, "I know it's not easy but it will get easier, you are not alone here, I was violated as well, so were the others. Talking about it does help, having those you care about close by helps. You are already doing a lot better just by saying how it made you feel." She said softly, "You are not at fault and those babies of yours are lucky to be loved by yourself, your fiance, and your parents. You have a very full looking future and you have friends here that will be here to help when you need it."

"I just don't want to lose all that I have accomplished and paid the price for. Before the Tomcat, I paid dearly for........", Serina went silent suddenly trying to lose the vision that surfaced. Closing her eyes, she breathed deeply and then opened them. It still remained firmly in her vision, the tortured bloody remains of her squadron commander after the Breen finished their interrogation. She paled suddenly as the vision remained. "Oh my god! Cmdr. Arrington!"......suddenly coming out of the vision she realized what had happened and put her head in her hands. "I am so sorry.....sorry.....I'm sorry it should not have happened. This is so embarrassing", she cried.

Iria spoke softly, "There's no shame in crying about past experiences, Serina. Take your time to talk to me when you are ready."

Looking at the counsellor, "What can we do to stop this? I can't allow this to start up now. I will be grounded for sure," Serina said looking at Walon sadly.

"I can't help without knowing what is upsetting you, are you relieving a moment of the past or something else?" Iria said gently as she stood close to Serina.

"It was my third mission and we got captured by the Breen. They were relentless in torturing us for information as to fleet ships strengths and security installations. There were 8 of us including Cmdr. Arrington, my squadron commander. They used every type of torture and because I was the only woman, they made me see the horrors thinking I would crack and reveal the information. *looking at Walon* I saw the torture and what was left and I knew why but I did not reveal anything. So they kept on until they killed......*putting her face in her hands* until they killed Arrington. His body was........so badly disfigured," Serina cried. Just describing that to the counsellor was traumatic in itself. "Yes, this is a nightmare that has recently popped up. I guess the Orion thing opened the door," she added.

Iria nodded, "Have you been through counselling for the Breen torture and loss of the commander before now?" She asked softly, the more information she could learn the better she would be able to help Serina in moving forward.

"Yes I did go through counselling for a month and I thought we had it all worked it out. I guess it wasn't good enough", Serina said shaking her head.

Iria shook her head softly, "Counseling is an ongoing process it is adapted as we need to. Sometimes the past comes back up mixing in with present experiences it's okay. There's no wrong way to heal or ask for help. There's no shame in feeling pain or regret or guilt over the past. It's all a part of healing." She paused and then gently wrapped her arms around Serina in a supportive hug, "If you need to talk I am listening, if you just need to let go and cry then you can. I am here to help you however you want."

"I never really grieved for Chris. I was too angry.....but now.....now the pain and hurt of seeing his body from the nightmares and waking dreams.....oh Chris I am so sorry.......*buries her head in Walon's shoulder weeping*", Serina cried hard.

Iria patted Serina gently on the back and spoke gently, "It's okay, Serina," there wasn't much else to say when it was obvious that Serina needed to let the tears out to let go of the old grief that she hadn't, there was no wrong in it and in the end when she was calmer Iria was betting that Serina would have a stronger sense of herself.

It was a while before Serina calmed down enough to talk. "I am so sorry Iria........I feel so foolish crying......but it stings when I try to confront the hurt and pain", Serina said blowing her nose.

Iria shook her head softly, "It's okay Serina we all cry or need to let ourselves grieve over the painful parts of our lives past or present it's healthy and that's what counselling is to help you with doing it doesn't sting so much."

"Iria think I would like to keep seeing you for a few more sessions if you don't mind. I believe that this has helped me as a start to finally getting a handle on all of this," Serina said looking at her.

Iria nodded her head, "Of course Serina, we can make sessions as you need, do you want to meet in the Arboretum again or would you rather decide that at each session?" She asked lightly she was glad Serina felt better and she was willing to keep getting counselling to further her mental health.

"I think in the arboretum would be better. I am more at ease walking through the flowers and trees. Can we do it every week or every two weeks?" Serina asked.

"Let's start with once a week and go from there as you need, for right now, I just want to be sure you're okay and then I will walk you back to your quarters," Iria said as she regarded Serina.

"That is acceptable Iria, I would like that very much", Serina said finally smiling.

[OFF]

Lt.j.g. Iria Walon
Chief Counselor/Chief of Intelligence


Lt. Jg. Serina "Reaper" Donovan
CAG/Helm

 

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