Arguing with yourself

Posted on 09 Nov 2023 @ 5:18pm by 2nd Lieutenant Cassandra Mathews

770 words; about a 4 minute read

Mission: General Sim Postings
Location: Sick bay - Long term care ward
Timeline: Following - a weary walk home

[ON]


Cassandra stood there looking at her brother lying out on the plush bed in the sick bay. She was trying to absorb the information they were giving her. She really was, but nothing seemed to be getting past the screaming in her head. The protest that any of this was real. He would surely wake up soon and everything would be fine.

"His prior head injury was still healing, it made him more vulnerable too...."

The nurse's voice faded out again, the words garbled and unabsorbable as Cassie remembered the last time she had seen him in such a condition. He would be okay. He's just needing some extra rest... Yes. He'd wake up soon.

The nurse had asked her something. Cassandra just nodded in return and then watched as the nurse left silently pulling the curtain closed behind her as she went.

Alone with her kin, Cassandra could only stand there like a stone. She couldn't let herself feel. If she did she was done for. Years of training of losing precious friends of losing loved ones. She knew she should call someone, that she shouldn't be alone right now. She wanted to reach out and touch him, but still, she couldn't move. If she touched him it was real. It was no longer just a nightmare it would then be her reality and she wasn't ready for that yet. Though she knew she needed to sort herself out soon. He needed her.

She couldn't afford to fall apart. Not this time. She needed to be strong for him to help him get better, and falling apart helped no one. Especially her. She had to be strong, strong as stone. But she wasn't. Inside she wanted nothing more than to crawl into that bed and wait to die with him.

oO you should call Falk... Remember she said to call her if you need anything... You need a friend, someone to help you. You're not okay. oO

Cassandra would not be bothering her CO with this. The woman was dealing with enough already. She didn't need Cassandra to add to the stress.

oO How about Winchester or his wife? oO

No, they would be with their little ones. Enjoying being back together. She would not rob them of their joy.

oO talk to a counsellor then. You are supposed to be doing that anyway. Or even the doctor? That Dr Sinclair had been pretty nice. oO

She was gone through. Yeah, that's right. She'd transferred right before the mission.

oO How about that Silver fellow? You remember him. Your Nuggy buddy. We all came aboard together C'Tirr, Silver and yourself. oO No. He probably won't remember her. It had been one? No, two years ago?

Cassandra stood there numb, she wasn't sure what she'd say anyway if she even had anyone to talk to. Tell them she was afraid she would have to bury her brother. Who here hasn't had to suffer that? It's a military ship after all. Everyone has suffered. You didn't see them losing their beans. Besides he might wake up soon... Then what? You burden whoever else with your fear for nothing? Grow a pair.

She wanted to stay here with him. But after a few hours, she was led out by the same nurse who was there earlier. Cassandra let herself be led from the medbay.

"Hey, it will be alright. He is in good hands. You should go and get something to eat and rest. Maybe I can call someone for you." The nurse offered sweetly.

Cassandra shook her head still not trusting her voice at first. When she tried to speak she felt strangled. "I wanted to.. umm. To see Ensign Haze... Yes, I... I know he's dead. He ..he was a friend of mine. I just... I'd like to say goodbye. Please." She managed to say.

"I'm sorry we are not allowed to do that."

Cassandra could tell that the nurse wished she could say yes, however, there were rules and regulations in place and Cassandra could respect that.

"Thank you anyways. I'll be back in the morning." Cassandra replied glad that she sounded a little shell-shocked but mostly okay.

So what now? Eat? Sleep? No. No, she hadn't much of an appetite. Instead, she opted to just go work out. Maybe if she pushed herself hard enough she'd finally pass out. It was the best plan she had. So that would have to do. So be it.

[OFF]

 

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